Privatize this!

As you know, Rahm Emanuel is the next default mayor of Chicago.  Maybe.  Mayor Daley and his fifty rubber stamp stooges are on a privatization tear.  They want to sell off everything.  Daley and several powerful aldermen met recently in the steam room of a notorious bathhouse in Boys Town.  They discussed the future of Chicago, while being catered to and rubbed down by attendants.

A decision was made.  Phone calls started.  Money is changing hands.

The office of the mayor will be outsourced to India.  Starting on January 1, if an ordinance can be passed and rubber stamped in time.  If the Aldermen do not read the ordinance and contract, it could be passed by Christmas.  This would nullify the need to have an election.  The contract will run for 75 years.

The contract for mayor will go to Mumbai Teleservices.  Mumbai Teleservices is the largest Indian outsourcing company handling American accounts.  They are the call takers and solution providers for many top U.S. Corporations.  If you ever called about some problem, stayed on hold forever, and finally hung up in frustration when you could not understand the solution, you have dealt with Mumbai Teleservices.

The duties of mayor will be performed by tele-technician extraordinaire, Gurvinder Singh.  Mr. Singh was born in Chicago to a cab driver and hospital technician.  He regularly commutes back and forth from Mumbai.  He was a 50th Ward precinct captain, until he formed his company.  He is currently living in a no tell motel, owned by a relative, on North Lincoln Avenue.

https://i0.wp.com/images01.olx.in/ui/3/92/01/61769101_1-IAM-INDIAN-MEN-SEEKING-O-SAMABINLADEN-DAUGHTER-LOVERELATIONSHIP-.jpg
Out sourced mayor Gurvinder Singh
 

Mr. Singh will rely on a script tree which will allow him to respond to most, if not all of Chicago’s problems.  Using canned responses, he can address problems without understanding the underlying issues.  This is normal for the industry.  It is also normal for Chicago.

“We know these scripting methods work”, said a Daley spokesperson.  Daley has used them for years.  How else to explain why people actually thought he knew what he was doing- even if they never understood what he was saying.

Mr. Singh has been taking elocution lessons from Daley, some mob guys, and other various city minions.  Part of the contract requires he speak Chicagoese.  He is having trouble with his accent and clipped Indlish.  He does not understand why he is being scrutined by dah boys so thoroughly, but, since he paid some kickbacks, he is cooperating fully.  He has also become a baseball fan, since he discovered the real use of bats in Chicago.

Due to the time difference between India and Chicago, Mr. Singh will work nights.  This will allow him to run the rest of his teleservices business, servicing major computer and cell phone companies.

Mr. Singh has been told it is OK for him to hire his extensive family to work in his outsourced administration, as long as they stay in Mumbai.  He will receive a salary of $300.00 per month, a very small percentage of Aldemanic graft, and a signing bonus if he can speak properly by December.  He will receive no health care, pension benefits car, bodyguards, or driver.  His demands for a bicycle are being considered.

Adapted from this.

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About Peter V. Bella

Peter V. Bella is a passionate cook and photographer. Mr. Bella started cooking as a child with his parents. He has taken professional courses through the years. Mr. Bella a a freelance photojournalist and writer based in Chicago.
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